I've got an imaginary friend. Wait, no, it's a missionary.

I just bore my soul to another blog site. For over an hour, I told it everything that I've been afraid to say. I told it that I'm afraid of the future. I told it things I've not told anyone. What did it do? It deleted it all. It didn't save drafts every thirty seconds. It didn't even save them every ten minutes.

So, here's everything I wanted to say, more or less.

I truly am afraid of the future. Mostly this August.

Things aren't the same with George and I. We're drifting apart, I guess. Moving in two different directions. He's changed a lot. I've changed even more.
(I guess I can't really say that I've changed. I'm just living out what I've always felt, ya know?)

Christmas Day was supposed to be one of the best days ever ever ever. It was pretty awesome, I guess, but 50% of it sucked mucho.
I was supposed to talk to him on the phone for 10 minutes or maybe more and we were supposed to be happy and lovey and I was supposed to fall for him all over again. Yeh.
Instead, one of the first things he asks me is a question he asked in every letter, but I always choose to ignore it. Well, how was I supposed to ignore it now? (He's a sly one...) I answered truthfully. What followed was one of the worst silences I have ever heard. Ever. After that, the conversation was just awkward small talk and awkward silence. The most awkward 6 minutes I have ever been a part of.
Afterwards, I went home and listened to the tapes he sent me. They were pretty good. I listened to them more for his voice than what he was actually saying. Then, at the end, he dropped the bomb. "Babe, don't be mad at me but I don't want to see you at the airport when I get home."
My thoughts were as follows: What??? What the hell are you talking about?? I've only been planning to be at the airport since the day you left! I want to see your plane as soon as it touches down. I want to be the first one to spot you on your way down the hall towards baggage claim. And what do you mean you don't want to see me? Do you want me to hide? Do you want me to sit on a bench and pretend to read a newspaper? Do you want me to mill around in the chaos and watch from a distance??
His reasoning was that he didn't want to feel the temptation to hug me and he didn't want me to feel the same way.
My thoughts were as follows: Thanks. Thanks for not believing that I have the will power to not attack you as soon as I see you. That's awesome. But you know what? I don't care if you want me there or not. You'll just have to man up. I'm going to be there. I'll be holding a neon green (or maybe yellow or pink or orange) sign that reads "Welcome Home Elder Wolf!" I'll be wearing a yellow dress and red high heels and I'll be the prettiest girl in the world until I see your beautiful face and I start bawling my eyes out. But I'm still gonna be there smiling through the tears. And guess what? By that time, I'll have gone 730 days, give or take, with out touching you. What's another couple hours? What's another day? So, you're just going to suck it up between now and then.
I may or may not have written that last part in a letter I wrote him.

Do I still love him? Uhm... YES! I don't think I'll ever not love him. He's taught me so much. He's taught me what true love is. He taught me that you have to lose your inhibitions in order to love. He taught me that when someone loves you, it is possible for them to forgive you. Even when you've messed up royally and you can't even forgive yourself.

I don't know what will happen. Every day, I feel one step closer to him, but then again, two steps away. I guess we'll see.