Seriously. This has been getting on my nerves lately. Like to the point where I might get violent.
What I'm talking about here is ManHugs. You know what it is. When men hug for just a little too long.
So why do I hate this? Because. It's disturbing. And before any homosexual males who may read this by some freak coincidence where they were actually trying to read a fabulous friend's blog and stumbled onto mine by mistake by switching a letter around, let me clarify for your sparkly sake: I'm referring to when two STRAIGHT males hug. Gay guys hugging is a natural thing for me (I was in colorguard, so there's that). And I'm not bothered by the quick half-second rap on the back hug. But when to straight guys hug for more than 4 seconds, I hate it. They think it's humorous. It's not humorous. It may be slightly humorous at Second 5, but after that, you make me feel uncomfortable, and I know I'm not alone. If you need to hug another man for that long, you need to come out of the closet. I promise. Are you trying to impress the girls? Well, you probably think it's working since they're laughing. Wrong. We're laughing because we're trying to diffuse the awkward situation you're insisting on creating.
And then when to men stand with their arms around each other. I don't mean around the shoulders. Around the shoulders is a camaraderie thing set aside for pictures, drunken singing, and huddles. It shows that you are willing to work as one and is respected by the public. That's fine. And one man with his arm around the shoulders of another while latter stands there usually involves two separate generations, be it grandfather and grandson or pedophile and JV football player. One is acceptable, while the other is not. But that's not what I'm getting at.... When two men are standing with their arms around each other's waists, once again, it's a little gay. There's probably more laughing from the girls, but not the good laughter.
I could berate some more, but I need to go to bed. So, remember keep the length of the hug to a minimum.
Exceptions:
- Friend is leaving for a long time. (Only one long hug permitted)
- Friend has just returned after a long time. (Only one long hug permitted)
- Friend just saved your life/ you just save the friend's life (Hug must not exceed 6 seconds)
- Friend had a recent death in his immediate family (One to two separate hugs permitted)
- Finding out your friend is actually an immediate family member (One long hug permitted)
- Friend just won the Super Bowl or lottery (As many long hugs as will get you the proper hookups)
- Friend is dying from debilitating disease (One long hug permitted)
- Friend has fully recovered from debilitating disease (One medium length hug followed by many high fives)
- Friend has just been stricken with lock jaw and can't move his body (Finish out the hug and then safely remove him from your body)
- Friend has passed out from illness while hugging you (Safely recline him as soon as possible)
- Friend has passed out from inebriation while hugging you (Get him off you as soon as possible, no matter how forceful you must be [you should also probably shower])
- You didn't listen to my advice and you hugged for so long that your friend died from natural causes while hugging you (and, obviously, without your knowledge) and rigor mortis has already set in (I don't really care. You don't care about my advice anyway.)
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