Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known

I just read a blog post by a used-to-be friend saying that I was her enemy. The whole post was about me and how horrible of a person I am and how I'm mean to everyone and how I stab everyone in the back. Dude, completely dead-on.
Not.
This one goes out to you, Brittni.
I won't lie, I am mean to everyone. I don't mean it in a hurtful way, I mean it in a "I don't really care what you think of me" way.
But calling me a backstabber? That's truly the gem of the post. I never once stabbed you in the back. I don't know if I ever purposely stabbed ANYONE in the back. You wanna talk about backstabbing? How about telling people that I'm a whore? How about spreading around that I cheat on all my boyfriends? How about telling my other friends that I'm a "horrible person" to the point where I'm alienated? How about denying all the things that multiple people have told me you said about me? How about that?
I don't know how I ever, EVER treated you badly, or rather, worse than others.
That time when you cleaned my house WHEN I TOLD YOU NOT TO while I was at work and then you insisted that I bring you a pizza to thank you? No. I told you not to. When I saw you did it anyways, I thanked you. But I'm not buying you a pizza when we had no agreement. I guess you could construe that as mean, but you I see it as some kind of contractual entrapment, and that was just dumb of you.
And what people are you closer to that I also apparently hurt while we were, as you put it, "friends?" Because frankly, you were one of the only people I ever talked to back then. Is it your exboyfriend? Ha. Probably not. Because really, he's the only person I can even imagine "hurting" way back when, but he and I are cool and I know that you two certainly aren't.
And you're saying that people told you that you weren't a mean person when we were together? Hilarious. Because as I recall, many people told you that you were a (pardon my language) bitch when we were together. Not because of me, because, really, we were kind of inseparable, but because you felt the need to act like you were in some kind of control of everyone.
So you've grown from the experience of our friendship? God, I sure hope so. Because when we were friends,  you were the rudest, most abrasive, most obnoxious person I had ever had the delight to be acquainted with.
But you still can't spell "per se."
Oh, and when your "enemy" says hello to you in passing, you say it back. You don't roll your eyes and act like they don't exist.
And just so you know, you're not my enemy. I don't even really care about you, besides the fact that you have nothing courteous to say to or about me, even though we'd been friends for a couple years. My enemy is the spread of unhappiness. Wait, yeah, I guess that would make you my enemy. :)



So, just so everyone knows, I'm aware that the blog post that I mentioned was likely posted knowing I would probably see it and have an adverse reaction. You're welcome. I don't like proving people wrong.

"Hey, are you done with that?"

I have a feeling this is going to be a short, angry, passive-agressive post.
Let's talk about SloppySeconds. I don't mean the urbandictionary.com definition of SloppySeconds. I mean the little more moral SloppySeconds where you date someone else's exes. No, not someone else's one ex. EXES. Plural.
It's not okay. Well, sometimes it's okay, but I'll get to the exceptions at the end.
Right now, one of my exes' exes is dating one of my other exes. Reading that, it makes little to no sense... So let me try to clarify. I was in a relationship with "Frank" for a couple of months. We broke up. He started dating "Denise." I started dating "Horace." Horace and I ended things. Frank and Denise got engaged. Frank and Denise then broke up. A couple months later, Horace and Denise are now dating. Do you understand now?
I mean, I guess I should be flattered. Denise obviously wants to follow in my footsteps and make the same mistakes I did (no offense to my mistakes, if you happen to read this). And she is an obvious downgrade (no offense to the downgrade, if you happen to read this [Who am I kidding? I don't care if you're offended.]) so it kind of makes me feel good about my decision to end things with Frank and Horace.

So, you want my hand-me-downs, Denise? Fine. I'll make you a list. After Horace, there were Miles, Roger, Sebastian, and Abraham, but none of them ever really amounted to anything more than flirting and maybe a kiss. Oh, and between Frank and Horace was Issaac. He's in jail now, but he kind of seems to be your (well, really, OUR) type, so I wish you luck. And before Frank, the more important ones were Albert, Ezra, Jason, and Theodore. Three of them are married and one is on a church mission. Best of luck for those, too. Oh, and please don't give ME the stinkeye when you come into MY workplace. I have to be there. You don't. And, really, I see no reason for you to hate me. Unless your suitors talk about me nonstop. Then, hate away.



I almost forgot to list the exceptions for why SloppySeconds could be okay:

• There are only a handful of survivors from a plane crash stuck on an island and they eventually run out of people to be romantically exclusive with who haven't dated everyone else.
• You're a member of the Mormon YSAs in a few-and-far-between area and to survive you must date everyone until you find The One.
• The end.