Oh my gee

Do you ever give advice to someone, completely not knowing that you need it more than they could ever appreciate? Yeh, me too.
I just (kind of) gave advice (by commenting her blog) to my friend (this is a shout out to you, if you ever read this).
She was saying how she's barely scared that her boyfriend is going to find a new girl when she goes off to school. Then, she said how she was much more afraid that she would meet a boy because she'll be in a new place with new boys.
Here's what I said:

you want long distance? try 3,078 miles (give or take, ya know).
and don't worry about the glorious prospect of new boys... I was completely single out in Idaho, surrounded by a basquillion guys who should have been perfect for me (and plenty who definitely were not) and I only had one guy on my mind the entire time, fully intending on coming back to good ol' pennsyltucky and being with that boy.

So, I see now in reading this again that I sound kind of cocky. But as I sat thinking about what I told her, I realized that I needed that most.


Another thing...
I'm listening to a CD that I asked Ivan (another shout out) for. There's a song on it that George wanted me to listen to forever ago, way before he left. Well, I finally got around to asking for it. The one song is about how this kid is dreading the end of summer because he has to leave or something (for his mission, presumably) and he has to leave his girl behind and doesn't want to say goodbye.
That got me to thinking... George and I dreaded the exact same thing because he left in August. We tried to savor each tiny, silly, dramatic, unusual, or average moment we had together. Then, BAM! it pops in my head: Duh, silly girl! Now, instead of dreading the end of summer, instead of it going so gosh darn fast, you should be so excited for it to get here! That means he'll be home in a year! And then NEXT summer!! My golly! He'll be home in no time!"

I'm such a wishful thinker. Do you think summer will go fast? Heck no. It's not like I'm going to be a high school student who has all summer to have fun and is then obligated to go back to school, forcing the summer to fly by. PSSSSSHH. I wish.

But it's not even spring yet. I don't know why I'm worrying about this now.
I guess I need something to worry about.

Attention: Miss Shaylynn Kilfoyle

I would like to make a public apology (yes, I know this sounds like some kind of celebrity press conference, and yes, I know it's completely immature for me to not apologize personally, and yes, I know that less than four people will ever read this).
The apology goes to Shaylynn Kilfoyle.
I'm sincerely sorry for the way I acted. I was being ridiculously juvenile. I was trying to ignore the fact that I could lose a friendship and that is exactly what I did. I felt like I was to blame (again).
You have to understand how I feel, though. I've ruined so many relationships. I've broken up so many couples and I have no idea how. I've had friends fight over and about and because of me. It makes me think that I'm doing something wrong. It makes me question whether I should have friends because I don't want to make anyone else upset.
People wonder why I'm not social, why I only associate exclusively with the few people in my little "clique," why I seem so unfriendly. Sure, I'm shy to a point. The real reason? I hate losing people. I'm afraid of feeling like the cause of contention among friends.

I had so much more to say but I lost it all.

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be a "no"

I was asked on a date.
I can't do it. I can't.
I have it in my head that I can only date (yes, I know that TECHNICALLY going on a date is different from dating) people who I can see myself marrying. That may seem completely irrational, but I don't care. I've always felt that I was the only one who thought that way because everytime I explain it, people look at me like, Are you crazy? A date is like a free meal! And it's just fun!
No, I'm not crazy. And no, it's not a free meal. If I wanted a free meal, I would go to a soup kitchen. It's not free because people go on dates in hopes of finding loooove. I guess it's fun, but I can have fun coloring or going bowling with friends.
I finally finally finally heard someone say what I thought!
It was on the Real World. Chet went on a date with some chick and when he came back, Ryan asked, "So do you like her?"
"Well, yeh. We're going to see each other again."
"Okay, well just from tonight, could you see her being in your future? Like as your wife?"
"Psh. No. Definitely not."
"WELL THEN WHY WOULD YOU DATE HER IF YOU COULD NEVER SEE YOURSELF WITH HER IN THE LONG TERM??"
Then, he continued to rant.

I guess it is kind of hypocritical of me to say all of that. I've dated plenty of guys I never would have wanted to marry. Ever. I didn't love them. It was just what I said above: crazy, free, and fun.

If the person who asked me on the date reads this, I'm sorry.