Now's your moment, floating in a blue lagoon

I've kissed 8 guys. To me, that seems like a lot, but according to some gum commercial, the average person has 28 first kisses. Personally, I want to know who they've been polling, and I think they should have a follow up question that asks how many times they've been in love or thought they were in love.
I'd like to address the guys from my past kisses. Not to critique them on how well or poorly they smooch, but to just tell them what I think. Because, I may be old fashioned, but a kiss does mean something, especially if it occurred while both parties were sober (which, to the best of my knowledge, all of mine fall into that category). And just an FYI, I'm not going to use their names, but I will address them chronologically.
The First- First, let me say that I can't believe, of the two of us, you got married first. That came as a pretty big shock, and to not only me. But moreover, you will always have a place somewhere near my heart. Maybe the spleen. I know I hate you a lot. I probably spend way too much time not liking you, and not enough time remembering the good times we had in the nine months (total) that we were together in high school. Because looking back, the bad doesn't really outweigh the good, nor vice versa. And there's not really a balance of the two. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you exist.
The Sweetheart- Out of all of them, I was hoping you were The One the most. Sorry that didn't work out. I want to be bitter towards you, upset that you found love elsewhere, rueful that I ever talked to you. But that's just not fair to you. I'm the one that broke it off after you'd been nothing but loyal for two years (like you really had a choice). I'm the one who couldn't make up my mind and toyed with your heart. Sorry about all that. I am happy for you, I really am. It hurts that I let you go, but in all honesty, I would have been a fool not to. You came back as a person I can't recognize, and I know I've changed more than I can realize. You're not my fairytale ending and I'm coming to see that. You'll always be my first love, and as I'm coming to learn, love can change from cutesy and romantic to appreciative and respectable. Just don't rub your happiness in my face. I don't want to hear about how the two of you first said "I love you" and all that nonsense. Oh, and don't invite me to your impending wedding (because, let's face it: you're an RM; you're getting married ASAP). Some of us aren't so successful with the affairs of the heart.
The NCMO- You scared the hell out of me (or based on the aftermath concerning my thoughts on religion, perhaps you scared it into me). I had just started to trust humans again and then you come along and force me to makeout with you. I don't know how they do things at BYU, but that's not how things happen around here. You are so lucky that my friend didn't bash your absurd noggin with her heavy-duty flashlight, because really, I was ready to let her. And maybe I should be saying these things on a blog, but do you really think I care?
The Underdog- I know that term is a little more negative than I want it to be, but I couldn't think of a better word to describe our relationship. I never really knew if you would come out on top or not. I mean, you had people rooting for you, but you just didn't have the history. That's just how it goes sometimes. You were always a great friend to me, always there when I needed someone to shamelessly flirt with, or just talk about random stuff like "Do you think a dolphin is slippery if it's not wet?" Too bad things couldn't have worked out with us. We would have been one heck of a pair. I wish you well with all your future conquests and I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you. It's a shame that when she finally decided she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't let us talk. I always have something I want to tell you (like how much of a clown your brother is or how there's a funny video of a panda that you need to see) but I have to suppress it.
The One Night Stand- So, that's not really what you were, but it really only was one night. Maybe it was the fact that I had a crush on you freshmen year and then you moved away, never to be seen again. Or that I was incredibly lonely. Or that I was feeling like nothing really mattered. Or the mix of all three. Don't get me wrong. I was glad I got to catch up with you after four years or so. I actually had a blast walking around the golf course in the middle of the night. But when we kissed... I can honestly say you're the closest one to meaning absolutely nothing. You should be proud.
The Jailbait- That was a joke between us. Not that we joke anymore. Or talk. Or even acknowledge the other's existence. That's a lie. I mention you in passing from time to time. And, surprisingly, it's usually good stuff. We used to think it was funny, how I was "robbing the cradle" even though you were technically "legal." Those were good times. I had fun with you, I promise. I wish you didn't need to hate me. You were great to talk to, sometimes. Mostly the times when you weren't being cocky. And I know you don't want to believe it, but I never cheated on you. But if you consider me talking to guys cheating, then I did. All the time. Multiple times a day. I apologize for having guy friends (just kidding, I'm not sorry). Maybe one day we can have a reconcilliation. I doubt it, but I'm crossing my fingers.
The Rebound- I knew that's what you were and I'm pretty certain you knew it too. It started from me randomly saying "Wanna make out?" while we were both bored. I'm happy you didn't take me up on that. Otherwise, you might not have been there for me during a pretty bad fight with an ex and I thank you for that. I still think it's funny that your way of consoling me was to offer a kiss. It's unfortunate we didn't try to start something under different circumstances. I still have a kindergarten crush on you.
The Inmate- You kind of came out of nowhere. A blast from the past that I'd never really considered. I didn't really plan on falling for you as hard as I did. I wish I could know where we might have ended up if I stuck it out while you were in the big house. I'm sorry I strung you along during the lengthy time it took me to make a decision about what I was going to do about you. In the end, I figured it's not fair to either of us if you're living the rest of your life making up for the lies and I'm unable to trust you. And reading that last sentence again makes me feel like a jerk, but I just need to be honest. You know how I am.

So there's all eight. Before I started typing the statements, I really didn't know what I was going to say. But they all seem like the best thing I could possibly say, likely because of their candidness. I'm sorry if some of it comes out a little too frank. But I've never been one to beat around the bush.
Unless Michael Jackson is playing and there's a shrub in my way.
Snaps to anyone who thought that was humorous.