So, less than a half hour ago I had a mental and emotional breakdown. For hours, I've been on the verge of tears for no definite reason. Then, all of a sudden, I just started bawling. What finally triggered it was the stupidest of reasons: I have nothing to send to George.
Yesterday I got a Happy Birthday/Anniversary package from him. He sent me a sock monkey (I've always wanted one and now I have three), a little kid tshirt that says "Someone who loves me went to San Francisco and got me this," a picture of him (so vain), and a day planner that I sent him and told him to fill in like a journal.
At first, I was kind of pissed because I'm always the one to send him something first but this time I procrastinated and waited to the very last second to get it all together.
And now I feel like I'm not sending him enough, even though I know that anything will be more than enough for him.
I'm sending him some pictures I took in Florida, this Kodak picture book of all of our pictures together, and this book called "I Love You Because..." and there are all these little prompts that you fill out about your relationship.
I have this bear that I want to send along that's holding a heart that says "I miss you," but it doesn't fit in the Flat Rate envelope and I don't have enough stuff to fill up the F.R. box.
That's what made me cry.

That and the fact that I feel like everyone is growing away from me.
My best friend has a boyfriend and all these other best friends and I feel like I never get to see her for more than an hour a week. And I felt selfish because I was bugging her that I never get to see her when I got to see her twice this week. We used to be completely inseperable.
Then there are people who want to be around me but I just can't right now. I feel horrible because the more they try to hang out with me, the more I have to push them away.
And I know that things will never be the same.


And when I need certain people the most, they can't or won't be around. And no one else will suffice because I just don't want them to because they're not my original Shoulders.


You know, it's the first time in months that I've cried. I feel like a baby because I'm taking these silly little things and blowing them out of proportion. But then again, I don't because this has all been building up for weeks and weeks and it's about time that I just let the tears roll.