Sorry... Just kidding!!

Once again, I am led to believe that I am in the wrong.
I don't know what I did. I don't know what I do.
I bring out the worst in people. Apparently, I do that a lot.
I'm sorry that I bring out the sarcasm, negativity, and other not-so-nice things.
Wait. No, I'm not sorry.

Where are you?

Surprise!
I need to talk to someone who will be completely nonjudgemental. Like completely.
Not someone who will listen to me and then tell me what THEY would do or what they did do or tell me that they've never had to deal with that. Not someone who would be biased about choices I have or have not made. Not someone who is going to lecture me.
I don't want to deal with someone who is of authority over me.
Then again, I want someone to tell me that these things happen; that everything will be okay in the end.

I don't know. Is that person out there?

Too much life running through my veins

I feel so strange. I don't know how to explain it. I'm feeling a million zillion different things as we speak. Let's list them, shall we?
Incomplete, taken advantage of, unappreciated, lost, ungrateful, destitute, haunted, nostalgic, naive...
And most of all apathetic (which is the most ironic).

I know I won't feel totally complete until George gets home.
How do I feel taken advantage of? I'm not going to answer that. I just do.
Same for unappreciated.
Lost kind of goes with the George thing. It also has to do with the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life and the rest of my life is fast approaching.
I feel ungrateful because so many people are trying to make me feel better about myself and I'm completely ignoring and/or throwing it away. Probably because those people are the same people who treat me horribly.
Destitute goes with incomplete.
I am constantly being reminded of the stupid mistakes I've made in the last couple of years.
Speaking of the last couple of years, I've been wishing I could go back and just relive some things. Not necessarily redo them. Just go through it again.
Naive. Oh, I could account for so many examples of how credulous I can be. I could give you forty examples from today alone.
And overall, I don't even care.

San Fran, CA...

Do you realize that San Francisco is everywhere?? Seriously, it is.
Everywhere I look, there's San Francisco. Commercials, advertisements, books, movies, tv shows, chocolate, everything.

Some telephone commercial
Full House
Ghirardelli
Monk
The Alchemist (a book)
Mythbusters
Just Like Heaven
The Pursuit of Happyness
The Princess Diaries
Eli Stone
Dharma and Greg


okay, i had a ton more... but i currently forget them.

this has turned into a mostly pointless entry...

Teach you...

I'm such a princess. Let me tell ya. Tiara and everything. If I don't get things my way, I throw a hissy. If people don't pay full attention to me, heads will roll. Oh, wait. That's not me.
I guess I really should apologize.
I'm sorry that I'm honest. I'm sorry that I want what's best for my friends. I'm sorry I say what's on my mind when it's completely necessary, though not completely appropriate. I'm sorry I'm immature. I'm sorry that I tend to spite people when they say incorrect things about me. I'm sorry that I love my friends.

Anyhow, I would like a horse-drawn sleigh ride. I'm watching a rerun (of course, since they don't run it anymore) of Gilmore Girls and Lorelai organized sleigh rides for everyone in the town. I wish I knew a quirky lady in my town who ruled the entire town with her... quirkiness. Maybe that could be me one day.
Nah. I'll be the curmudgeony lady who arrives only to spite those who thought she wouldn't show up and hangs in the shadows and mumbles and is generally... curmudgeony.

I think not

I'm not usually one to believe in coincidences. I'm always the skeptic.

Well, I'm still the skeptic but I think it's possible to believe in coincidences at the same time.
How is that once something horrible, traumatizing, frightening happens to me, I see everyone for who they really are? I see that best friends can't keep your secrets. I see that friends really don't care about you. I see that people who I never really took for close friends are the most honest with me. I see that the people I think are good and respectable can be the scariest. I see that I really am a tiny person who can't defend herself physically or even mentally.

For the second time in my life, I'm terrified of people. The last time, I was almost kidnapped. The other day, some kids I didn't know tried to talk to me and I wanted to run for dear life. I'm worried that anyone could be watching me at all times, ready to pounce. I feel like I have to put on this strong face because that's who I am, when really I just want to let it all go and bawl my pretty little face off.

Is it a coincidence that the moment I start to trust everyone, this happens?
Is it a coincidence that I was feeling so completely understood and now I feel the exact opposite?
Is it a coincidence that the people I need the most just happen to be the people I see the least?