"Hey, are you done with that?"

I have a feeling this is going to be a short, angry, passive-agressive post.
Let's talk about SloppySeconds. I don't mean the urbandictionary.com definition of SloppySeconds. I mean the little more moral SloppySeconds where you date someone else's exes. No, not someone else's one ex. EXES. Plural.
It's not okay. Well, sometimes it's okay, but I'll get to the exceptions at the end.
Right now, one of my exes' exes is dating one of my other exes. Reading that, it makes little to no sense... So let me try to clarify. I was in a relationship with "Frank" for a couple of months. We broke up. He started dating "Denise." I started dating "Horace." Horace and I ended things. Frank and Denise got engaged. Frank and Denise then broke up. A couple months later, Horace and Denise are now dating. Do you understand now?
I mean, I guess I should be flattered. Denise obviously wants to follow in my footsteps and make the same mistakes I did (no offense to my mistakes, if you happen to read this). And she is an obvious downgrade (no offense to the downgrade, if you happen to read this [Who am I kidding? I don't care if you're offended.]) so it kind of makes me feel good about my decision to end things with Frank and Horace.

So, you want my hand-me-downs, Denise? Fine. I'll make you a list. After Horace, there were Miles, Roger, Sebastian, and Abraham, but none of them ever really amounted to anything more than flirting and maybe a kiss. Oh, and between Frank and Horace was Issaac. He's in jail now, but he kind of seems to be your (well, really, OUR) type, so I wish you luck. And before Frank, the more important ones were Albert, Ezra, Jason, and Theodore. Three of them are married and one is on a church mission. Best of luck for those, too. Oh, and please don't give ME the stinkeye when you come into MY workplace. I have to be there. You don't. And, really, I see no reason for you to hate me. Unless your suitors talk about me nonstop. Then, hate away.



I almost forgot to list the exceptions for why SloppySeconds could be okay:

• There are only a handful of survivors from a plane crash stuck on an island and they eventually run out of people to be romantically exclusive with who haven't dated everyone else.
• You're a member of the Mormon YSAs in a few-and-far-between area and to survive you must date everyone until you find The One.
• The end.

Send me away with the words of a love song

This is morbid. I'll start out by saying that.
With all these people young people dying in car accidents and such lately, I need to make sure things are taken care of if I pass suddenly. See, I told you it was morbid.
To start, I don't want to be buried in something ugly or sad. I want to be in my red and black flannel shirt, a band shirt, my grey henley, or tiedye. I hate going to funerals and seeing the lost dressed in their worst church wear.
Speaking of clothing, NO ONE is to wear black or grey or depressing colors to my funeral or viewing. I want happy colors: yellows and pinks and neon greens and sky blues and lavenders. No black anything!!
To get in, you must bring a balloon. I don't care if it's mylar or latex (if you have a latex allergy, sorry: you probably should come see me) or a balloon animal or one of those punchy balloons. The first two must be filled with helium. Bonus points if you have a helium filled balloon animal. If you don't bring a balloon, you need to find one. If you can't find one, you need to try harder. If you really, really can't find one, you must make a ten dollar donation to the ASPCA.
If anyone brings an invisible dog, they also get bonus points. And if you come without the wire leash thing and just say "The dog is around here somewhere..." you get points taken away.
I don't really know what points I'm talking about, but I trust that the people who love me will figure something out for the points.
If anyone insists on a vigil, I need you to sing Johnny Cash, 3Oh!3, Frank Sinatra, The Ready Set, and Gavin Degraw. Even without a vigil, you need to sing.
And don't think you can get in without following my set of rules. There will be a bouncer there. Trust me.
And don't think I'm joking about any of this. I hope that since you read this, that means you care and that you want to make me happy. And the above would make me happy. So make sure this happens. Yameen?
The end.



Also, if anyone decides to be dramatic and let go of their helium balloons after I'm in the ground, I swear I will put together a band of ghouls and we will haunt your butt for the rest of your life. You're hurting our environment. We're going to make you pay.

Don't want your bad, bad Bromance

So, I know it's been awhile since I've released bloggily. And, okay, I know this deviates from my usual theme of dating. So let me justify: I do not want to date someone like this.

Seriously. This has been getting on my nerves lately. Like to the point where I might get violent.

What I'm talking about here is ManHugs. You know what it is. When men hug for just a little too long.
So why do I hate this? Because. It's disturbing. And before any homosexual males who may read this by some freak coincidence where they were actually trying to read a fabulous friend's blog and stumbled onto mine by mistake by switching a letter around, let me clarify for your sparkly sake: I'm referring to when two STRAIGHT males hug. Gay guys hugging is a natural thing for me (I was in colorguard, so there's that). And I'm not bothered by the quick half-second rap on the back hug. But when to straight guys hug for more than 4 seconds, I hate it. They think it's humorous. It's not humorous. It may be slightly humorous at Second 5, but after that, you make me feel uncomfortable, and I know I'm not alone. If you need to hug another man for that long, you need to come out of the closet. I promise. Are you trying to impress the girls? Well, you probably think it's working since they're laughing. Wrong. We're laughing because we're trying to diffuse the awkward situation you're insisting on creating.
And then when to men stand with their arms around each other. I don't mean around the shoulders. Around the shoulders is a camaraderie thing set aside for pictures, drunken singing, and huddles. It shows that you are willing to work as one and is respected by the public. That's fine. And one man with his arm around the shoulders of another while latter stands there usually involves two separate generations, be it grandfather and grandson or pedophile and JV football player. One is acceptable, while the other is not. But that's not what I'm getting at.... When two men are standing with their arms around each other's waists, once again, it's a little gay. There's probably more laughing from the girls, but not the good laughter.
I could berate some more, but I need to go to bed. So, remember keep the length of the hug to a minimum.

Exceptions:

• Friend is leaving for a long time. (Only one long hug permitted)
• Friend has just returned after a long time. (Only one long hug permitted)
• Friend just saved your life/ you just save the friend's life (Hug must not exceed 6 seconds)
• Friend had a recent death in his immediate family (One to two separate hugs permitted)
• Finding out your friend is actually an immediate family member (One long hug permitted)
• Friend just won the Super Bowl or lottery (As many long hugs as will get you the proper hookups)
• Friend is dying from debilitating disease (One long hug permitted)
• Friend has fully recovered from debilitating disease (One medium length hug followed by many high fives)
• Friend has just been stricken with lock jaw and can't move his body (Finish out the hug and then safely remove him from your body)
• Friend has passed out from illness while hugging you (Safely recline him as soon as possible)
• Friend has passed out from inebriation while hugging you (Get him off you as soon as possible, no matter how forceful you must be [you should also probably shower])
• You didn't listen to my advice and you hugged for so long that your friend died from natural causes while hugging you (and, obviously, without your knowledge) and rigor mortis has already set in (I don't really care. You don't care about my advice anyway.)

And why we're patient, no one knows.

I'm not meant to wait. Not for anyone or anything. I'm completely impatient. I don't know if I can make it anymore simple than that.
I couldn't wait two years for a guy. I can't wait four months for a guy. Hell, I don't even want to wait an hour for a guy.
So let's talk about that, guys. If you knew we were supposed to hang out at a certain point, don't be late. And if you really know me, you should be early. Let's make an example. Hmmm. Ok, so let's say you, me, and some friends were supposed to go to a festival (yeh, I know that's a weird choice, but it applies) at 5pm. I call you at 4 to see if we could go a little early. You tell me that that wouldn't be possible because you're actually going to be late because you're hanging out with one of your bros twenty minutes away and you still have to come home and shower and you're not done hanging out yet. Well. That doesn't fly. Here's why: You knew we were hanging out at that certain time and you have a very poor reason as to why you can't be there on time. Also, I had to call YOU to find out you were going to be late. AND it makes me feel like a jerk when I tell my friends you're not coming because I'm not waiting for you because you're stupid.
So if I wouldn't wait for something like that, what makes you think I would wait for someone who isn't ready for a relationship with me. Best excuse that I've heard? "Well, I don't know if it's going to work out with me and Brandisha." (I don't actually know a Brandisha so I'm using that name) If you're not interested in being with me now and would rather be with someone else "temporarily," that means you don't want to be with me ever. At least that's how I'm going to take it.

So, I walked away from this for a few minutes and now I've lost where I was going with it and it would be a shame for me to even try to finish it. So you're just going to have to deal with how it is.

You're too bad, you're too rude.

You wanna know what? Do ya? Yeh, you bet your asphalt you do.
See, now I bet you were drawn into this blog solely based on that first line (or not). It's threatening, yet seems pretty harmless.
I'm sick of the guys like that. I've dated my share of Bad Boys. Let me tell you: big mistake. Big. Huge.
Bad boys aren't all they're cracked up to be.
"Oh! He smokes!" Yeh, well, there are cooler ways to die than your cells not knowing when to stop growing. (Example: Sting ray barb straight through the heart.)
"Oh! He drinks like a fish!" Yeh, because alcohol makes you really act like an adult.
"Oh! He drives fast/ a crotch rocket/ a fast crotch rocket!" Yeh, let's hope you're not in/on the vehicle when it goes careening out of control. And don't tell me that crotch rocket owners are super safe. You want a safe ride on two wheels? I suggest looking for a guy with a Schwinn. That or a vintage Harley, 'cause you know he's gonna take care of that sucker.
"Oh! He's in/ been to prison!" Yeh, a criminal is really something you want to live with. Sure, he says he's learned his lesson the hard way, but has he really? I mean, he shouldn't have even had to learn a lesson. And if he really did, he probably belongs on a short bus.
"Oh! He's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Yeh, tell me how he looks when he's 76 (if he makes it that far) and that skull and rose chest piece (complete with nipple piercings) he got done when he was in his twenties is down around his belly button.
"Oh! He's into illegal drugs!" Yeh, I shouldn't need to explain that. And if you do need me to explain it, stop reading my blog and head over to the local Planned Parenthood because I have no hope for you.
"Oh! He swears like a sailor!" Yeh, I'm just gonna go ahead and guess that he's not all that bright and doesn't really have much to say if he uses an expletive in every sentence.
"Oh! He wears dark sunglasses all the time!" Yeh, so this guy is one of the following: blind, always hungover, prone to migraines in fluorescent lighting, or hiding a perpetual case of pink eye. The only one out of those that I would find acceptable is blindness.
"Oh! He wears a leather jacket!" Yeh, unless he's portraying Danny Zuko or Uncle Jesse (Full House, not Dukes of Hazzard), no dice. I wouldn't even say yes to Uncle Jesse.
I'd list more, but I'm growing bored.
But as you can see, those are the more physical things. There are the other things: constantly ditching you, talking to you one second and then pretending you don't exist the other, pretty much any mental or physical abuse, etc.
And I know I'm not the only one who thought she could change a Bad Boy. You think you can get him to calm down. Sometimes, for a while you think you've succeeded, but really, you've just gotten used to his ways. The only way I see change for the better happening is extreme behavioral therapy, and maybe a few (legal) prescriptions.

I know no one really reads this, but here's hoping someone does and it helps them see the guy they're dating, thinking about dating, or used to date for what he is. Unless he's not a bad boy. Then you're fine.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I've come to realize that guys must have all taken some secret class in middle school or something to teach them how to (poorly) get girls. Or they all have this little hand book or something that tells them what to say. Or they hold a weekly (maybe monthly) meeting where they say "Hey, this line totally worked for me! I bet it'll work for you too!"
I mean, really. Every guy I've dated has used the exact same line on me (and for some unknown reason I still dated them). It goes something along the lines of "I've never met another girl like you." Gag me with a fork.
I just picked up on their little trick about three beaus ago. One guy said it to me and I instantly had aforementioned epiphany. I called him out and he went on to further explain how I was different: how I'm insecure about who I am but I still stand strong; how I know I'm beautiful; how I deserve better than any guy has ever treated me; etc and etc. After we broke up, I reread that text (yeah, I saved it) (yeah, the fact that it was a text should have been my first tip-off) and realized he had made a generalization about every single girl in the entire world.
And I guarantee every girl has heard or will hear that there's no other girl like her. Well, duh. Thanks for pointing out the obvious. Everyone is different, just like everyone else. None of us are made the same, so of course you've never met anyone else like me.
I don't know why they feel the need to say it. I'm guessing that line is in the "Seal the Deal" chapter. I dunno. But since my explosion of knowledge, I feel the need to call them out on it (and I encourage you to do it as well). And I do love it when they try to rationalize their statement. It shows that they're in it to win it.
So, in closing, remember that you are an individual, though you need no help remembering that when a flirty guy tells you straight up.
But, in all actuality, I'm just like every other little girl.

I just know he's the wonder what his name is.

There's a difference between "settling down" and "settling."
Settling down is meeting that one person you cannot live without and starting a life together and living so happily ever after.
Settling is meeting some person that you weren't really looking for and thinking "Hey, might as well..."
Settling down is confidently putting down roots in something you have full faith in.
Settling is surrendering your faith in yourself for something that is foolish.

This is something I feel strongly about. You can't just give up when it comes to looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with (or longer, depending on your beliefs). If you're submissive about who you date/marry, I can almost guarantee you're going to be miserable, whether you are single or in a relationship. Also, if someone comes along, whom you barely know, and you seemingly hit it off, and decide to get married in a matter of days, that's called desperation. Which is not good. Deciding your life's path in a state of despair, when you NEED to find love, is not the best way to go. But that could just be me.
It could be that I feel this way because I've met so many Mormon missionaries, right off of their mission who are nearly ravenous to find a spouse, because they've been stuck with a companion for two years straight and now they don't know how to be alone. Yeh, that's healthy.... Not. Some of these guys will ask every person they go on a date with, convinced that she has to be The One since she was interested in going on said date in the first place. Or they do the creep on all girls, hoping that The One will be sifted out of all the others. Or they do nothing, complaining about how there are no pretty girls around to date, but when one shows interest, they clam up and don't know what to do. Yeh, guys, good luck with that.
I hope I never make the mistake of settling. If you know anything about me, you know how much I hate making a decision, thus I never settle for second best (or third or fourth, etc.).